Desperately try and forget everything you think you know, while simultaneously trying to grasp anything familiar and comforting, only to realize you have to let it all go.
You can’t live in the in-between forever. You have to take the first step into the world of, I don’t know. There will be many questions. You don’t have to answer any of them.
People will say things like, “cling to Him,” and “you know Paul went through something similar.” Know they mean well, and at one point you did the same. When you heard about the strange guy who stopped going to your church and became an atheist, you said things like, oh he’s just angry, it’s a phase. You prayed for him. But really your concern was less about his soul and more about the fact that you were secretly intrigued by his loss of faith and you knew deep down you never believed any of this stuff. Right? Or maybe you did.
At some point when you’ve been through certain things in your life, you can no longer go to church with people who haven’t had to kneel over their child as she turns blue from yet another seizure, praying to thin air that she doesn’t die, praying to thin air that maybe she does die, so that she has some peace, then feeling like shit for thinking such an awful thought. At some point you realize the God up there who holds all the strings isn’t really there at all.
You arrive at peace knowing it’s not because you’ve sinned, it’s not because Eve ate a fucking apple, it’s only that the world is not right and it has nothing to do with God.
This isn’t because my kid was born with an overexcited brain. Or that she might die. This has been a long time coming.